Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
