u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
