I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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