i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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