I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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