At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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