I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
