You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
