I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
