my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
