I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
