Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
