wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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