My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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