I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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