i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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