2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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