I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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