giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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