Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
