Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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