I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
