If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
no you cant smoke seaweed
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
