just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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