I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
