listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
