May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
