I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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