You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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