My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
