Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
