A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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