I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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