You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
