My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
