Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
