dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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