Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
