Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
