I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
