I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
