I'm lost and stupid without you.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
