On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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