I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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