Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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