I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
