I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
