I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
