I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
