This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
