Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
