She said her name was "party"
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
