I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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