don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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