My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
