at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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