I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
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Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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