Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I party with great urgency now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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